Metal is our Religion is better than...

The following post was originally written as an anouncement to members of the Facebook cause, Metal is our Religion.

Everyone knows the staples of any good religion are self-congratulatory smugness, insidious sectarianism, a dogmatic reluctance to try to relate with others and the odd superficial nod towards good deeds. In the spirit of at least three of these, it’s worth having a look at some other belief systems that Metal is our Religion is better than.

Christianity

I admit Christianity certainly has some good points, most notably the fact that it worships a long-haired zombie king who plans to come back to Earth to stage an epic final battle against the devil. However, Metal can match any religion in terms of zombies – Phil Anselmo, Nikki Sixx, Slash and Dave Mustaine have all died and it didn’t take three days of hanging around for them to come back and start touring again. And as for long hair, I think it would be foolish for anyone to argue that Metal doesn’t win on that count.

Aside from its plus points, Christianity also has a few worrying factors that count against it, such as:
1. The size of its holy book
- I like to read, but an inch thick tome where each tracing paper page is filled with multiple columns of tiny text? I’ll wait for the film to come out, thanks. Then I’ll watch it when it comes on TV… unless there’s something better on.

2. Transubstantiation
- The zombie god thing was going pretty well until he turned into a wafer. Not even Mike Patton would do that.

3. The fact that some of its institutions seem to have an alarmingly relaxed view on child molestation.
- I can only think of one member of the Metal world who has done anything as disgusting as the deeds found to be endemic in Irish Catholic reform schools, and that was Dave Holland, the ex-Judas Priest drummer. Tony Iommi, who he was working with at the time, promptly replaced all his drum parts as soon as he found out, an action considerably more honourably than the Vatican’s attempted cover-ups.

4. Its many historical attempts to kill anyone who doesn’t agree with them on certain details of their belief in God.
- With the possible exception of certain Norwegian black metal bands, it’s pretty unusual for members of the Metal community to kill people they disagree with. They’re more likely to pour out their anger in music, such as Machine Head’s beautifully aggressive Aesthetics of Hate. We take the moral high ground and end up with some brilliant music. Win win.

5. It’s not true.
- A problem for any belief system.

6. Inconsistencies.
- Jesus had long hair. Samson’s long hair even gave him his strength. Nevertheless, 1 Corinthians 11:14 tells us “that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him”.

7. The music.
- Alright, they’ve got Bach and Handel on their side, but I’m afraid they don’t make up for the harm caused to the world by the composition of ‘Oh When the Saints’. And when you factor in the interminable monotony of plainsong, I know which religion wins the battle for my iPod.

In conclusion, I think it is clear that the sensible choice here is to get up off the cold pew, grab your leather jacket and join the worshippers of the Riff.